Abused

Abuse – it’s on my mind a lot. It’s one of those pressing issues that does not go away. Around the holidays I am especially drawn to the fact that there is abuse everywhere. There is physical, sexual, emotional & spiritual abuse occurring right now. It happens to men and women and children. It is not privy to any particular race, sexual orientation, income, age our group.

It’s something no one wants to talk about. It’s hidden – a dirty little secret that kills. It makes me want to vomit just writing about it – but it’s been on my heart so much lately as I read the news about women & children dying because of it. I could quit reading the news, I could hide my eyes and ears from the truth of this reality, but to do that would be to say that I accept that “it is what it is” - and that is how abuse continues.

I was a little girl once – A little girl who was physically, sexually & emotionally abused. It left big scars and hurts that affected me physically, sexually, emotionally & spiritually. As a child I felt alone, and as an adult I’ve searched for that feeling of wholeness.

I am grateful to have found my wholeness in Jesus. For those who don’t know Jesus & for those who have suffered greatly I can see how one could scoff at the idea that there is a good God who allows abuse to occur. The best way I can explain it is that God hurts for his children who are hurting. Much like if my child were to be hurt by someone I would ache for them. I do my best to protect them but I will never be able to control all outcomes of the poor decisions of others. Similarly, God is an all knowing God but he does not control people. Sin has occurred and will continue to occur until he comes for us.

I am also grateful to my grandparents – who took me into their home and loved me and sheparded me as the sins done to me in my past affected me and caused many sins in the future.

My wish in writing this is not for anyone’s sadness on my part. I am a child of God, saved by God & my family is redeemed through God. My wish is that you would remember that there is ABUSE in the world still. It makes me sick, and so I ask that you would do the following:

1. Pray for it to stop – Almost every night my prayer has been that no child is hungry, no child is hurting & that no mommies & daddies are fighting.

2. Invite your neighbors over that you don’t know – Abuse hides. Abuse is lonely. Those who are abusers and who are being abused typically do not have a strong support system. Don’t assume your quiet neighbors are just quiet. Befriend them.

3. Love your children & spouse well. It is so easy to get caught up in a ME mentality. I’ve heard a lot of abuse stories happening because someone’s spouse or child was interrupting their ME time. When you have a spouse or children there is no ME time that is more important than your children/spouse.

4. Do not let old dogs lie – If you know there is abuse occurring DO something. We had some neighbors when we were little – if they saw us outside they would bring us ice cream and talk to us. When the cops came they’d let us stay at their house. They were wonderful. Sometimes you need to do something small, sometimes you need to do something big. In all things you need to LOVE.

I have no desire to make anyone uncomfortable or ashamed. I only want to make you aware of this issue going into the New Year. Here are some particular versus on abuse that I thought were good.

Child Abuse -

Colossians 3:21-"Fathers, do not provoke your children, or they may lose heart."

1 Timothy 3:2-3-"Now a bishop must be above reproach, hospitable, an apt teacher, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, and not a lover of money."

Ephesians 6:4-"And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."

Wife Abuse -

Colossions 3:19-"Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly."

1 Peter 3:7-"Husbands, in the same way, show consideration for your wives in your life together, paying honor to the woman as the weaker sex, since they too are also heirs of the gracious gift of life--so that nothing may hinder your prayers."

I've got Idols & I'm chasing them!!!

I'm in redemption groups at church. For those of you who don't exactly know what that is it is an 8 week class where people who are jacked up (so everyone) can attend teaching and classes to learn about Gods redemption - his SAVING us - and how we fit into HIS story. We walk through our messy lives & discuss what has happened and is happening and why and how God uses it for HIS glory. It's all pretty intimidating stuff - but this past week has been especially eye opening for me.

The question this past week was: Where do you put your hope?

There was a long list of options we are all such unique sinners and we find our "salvation" in so many things. Some of the checklist options were: accountability, works, service, & morbid introspection. That's mine: MORBID INTROSPECTION. But I've never heard of it before now.

You see, for a long time I've just felt DIFFERENT. I felt different because of my childhood, because of my sin, because of how I talk, or what I look like. I have never felt normal or equal in comparison to everyone else. I've often created a checklist of things that have separated me from people: bad childhood, poverty, children at an early age, divorce, chubbiness, stretchmarks, smoking, drinking, cussing, yelling, selfishness all of my many MANY many sins & faults that make me imperfect. I've also kept a checklist of sins I know longer commit: don't smoke, don't do drugs, barely yell anymore. I'm doing good now right?

I've always had this special ability to see my sin and correct it. I've always had the ability to understand my heart, I've always been able to repent of how bad of a person I am all of the time. I've always been very repentant in my heart. It's been my way of saving myself, of ensuring that God will save me. I'm crying out saying "God I know my sin, I'm humble, I can admit EVERY fault I have." In fact, I get irritated when people can't see their sin. "Sheesh, these people really need to get to know themselves better" I've thought.

AND THEN ... I read Chapter 7 of my Redemption book. MORBID INTROSPECTION. The story of Brook stood out to me over and over again in the Chapter. "I am a sinner, I am unworthy, I need to fix this first." It's been in vain, and it's been false humility. The reality is that YES I am a sinner, and yes I am unworthy and YES something needs to be fixed: MY HEART.

I have been so focused on fixing myself and evaluating myself and probing myself and ridiculing myself and excluding myself that I have forgotten THE CROSS. I am a Christian, but it is really difficult for me to understand the depth of Gods love for me. I believe that I am only barely saved, but I AM SAVED. 100% SAVED.

This view of myself has caused me to heroically chase my idols and fight them off. "I had this sin, then I fixed it. Then I had THIS sin, and I fixed it." There's no salvation in that, there's no grace in that, there is no GOD in that. So of course, I don't understand His love for me. I have prevented people from seeing Gods grace by being so ashamed of my own sin that I can't share what he's done apart from me.

I am sitting in this right now. I am dwelling on it. I am being "morbidally introspective" of it - which I'm not supposed to be doing - and I am trying to figure out how to FIX it. Oh how easy it is to wrap ourselves in our idols and call them good. Right now I'm asking for everyone's prayers. That GOD will overwhelm my heart & that I will rest in his goodness and delight in his mercy. I think I'm starting to understand God's love. It is an amazing thing that I don't want to miss by being some who is prideful (I can fix it) disguised as humble (I'm not worthy).

Love you all & God is good.

Best Friends

Last night in redemption groups the conversation was over what we grumble about. I have my small list of grumblings, I’m typically not an external grumbler but I grumble in my heart.

1. The house not being clean

2. Money

3. Lack of sleep

4. Lack of friends

5. Lack of my husband wanting us to go out and have friends

The hardest one for me lately has been a lack of friends. A lot of my really good friends have moved away, we just had a baby, and my husband does not like to go out a whole lot (see grumble above). It’s been hard for me to be young and have two children, and still feel like I want to go out and have fun. Sometimes I selfishly feel tied down by having a husband and children (Is it just me?)!

After redemption groups last night I was laying in bed with my husband (kids asleep finally) and I was reading him my Psalm that I had to make in redemption groups. I was sharing with him my thoughts. We were laughing, we were praying and I was grateful for my best friend.

I had this sudden recollection of this feeling of frustration with him for the past couple of years of not really wanting to go out a whole lot and do things with our friends (BBQ’s, dinners, parties). And his reasoning was always “I just want to be home with you.”

All of the sudden last night I had an overwhelming gratitude towards Gods work in our lives. While I’ve been grumbling to God about my lack of friendships for this past season he has refined my relationship with my husband. I realize now that the reason God halted friendships is because he wanted me to draw near to my husband for comfort and to learn to be at peace at my home with my husband & children.

Will is my best friend. I am comfortable alone with him. We hold back no secrets, or fears, or dreams. I am grateful for that part of God’s story. For taking away something in order to give me something better. I’m glad I saw it last night – it felt amazing seeing God’s plan of redemption. I am blessed.

A ripple in the rug

I'm taking a class in church called "Redemption" (more on that later) but today one of the Pastors was in our class and he was sitting in such a way that his shoe pressed against the rug and caused a large ripple. I kept staring at the rugs lump and I knew I wouldn't be able to focus until it was straight so I said something to the effect of "I'm sorry to be neroutic, but your foot is causing the rug to bunch." to which he responded "Well, so is your foot on your side." in good banter I said "Well that doesn't matter, I can't see my side." To which one of our group leaders responded "Well isn't that the way it works."

You see, I don't see the ripples that I cause as quickly as I see the ripples that others cause. In other words, I don't see my sin as clearly as I see the sins of others. In my marriage I am much more apt to tell my husband of all the "lumps" he's causing in our marriage than to address my own. I see my husbands sin first, I see my bosses sin first, I see my children's sin first, I see my friends sin first. I tend to miss the most important sin of all: MY OWN!

Clearly the bible talks about this when it addresses removing the blank from your own eye to see the speck of dust in your brothers (Mathew 7:3-5) so I'm hopeful that I'm not the only one with this "issue". I am also convicted of evaluating my own heart and changing my lumps instead of focusing on other peoples.

As to redemption groups, they are HARD and GOOD. I will write more after I evaluate my heart because there is a lot going on in there right now.

Mommy & Daughter Date

Yesterday Zoe & I got to spend the whole day together. She had the day off school and I took the day off work so it could be just me & her time. We knew when we had Orion that things would change around the house and that Zoe would no longer receive "only child" treatment. It's been 7 months now for her having a baby brother and things have been great. She's patient and she's the second mommy around the house making sure he has everything he needs.

I have of course had to spend more time with Orion since I am his food source, and Will has taken a lot of time to ensure Zoe receives the attention she needs while I am tending to baby. I have missed hanging out with Zoe alone though - so yesterday was the perfect opportunity to catch up on life with my amazing 7 year old.

We went to the pool, we went hot-tubbing, we got pedicures, we went to lunch, and like all girls like to do...we did some shopping! It was a great day with her and it was nice to re-connect and tell her how special she is to me!

Confidence & Condemnation

Lately I have been reading a book called “A Confident Heart” by Renee Swope. For me it’s heavy reading. It’s a book I’ve needed to read for a long time, and it’s been good, really good.

And I want to write about it – about my lack of confidence, about why it’s present in me. I started writing and sorting through my feelings and in the end I just felt overwhelmed and like I was trying to justify myself. I knew something in my heart was not right. I want to blame my lack of confidence on people “judging me” and God showed me my sin in that.

My sin: I try to justify myself. I’ve always tried to justify myself. I try to justify myself even when I don’t need to! Even when I am doing good things; things that are in line with Gods plan for my life. I still feel like if I’m not doing what everyone else is doing I need to explain why.

Justify: a : to prove or show to be just, right, or reasonable

I had to really pray about this. I think it’s something I’ve been doing my whole life. Ever since I was a very young child I was the “scapegoat” of many family problems. I spent the majority of my childhood being accused of doing something wrong when I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I spent a lot of time explaining myself and/or asking for forgiveness for things I hadn’t done wrong in order to avoid trouble I was sure to get in anyways.

Eventually as I got older I just determined I was a failure. It didn’t matter what I did: I was always going to be “wrong”. So I decided I would continue to do things wrong because it was more freeing to be in trouble for actually doing something wrong than to be accused of not doing something wrong.

When I became a Christian I attempted to “redeem myself” by doing the right things, but I still ended up doing the wrong things (proving myself to be human and in need of grace). I still end up feeling the need to justify my actions and the cycle has never ended.

Example: For the past six months I’ve spent my time trying to explain why my child’s hair is blonde to everyone who says “Wow, his hair sure is blonde.” I felt accused. I felt ashamed. Who knows what people were meaning, or whether or not they knew how I was feeling. I was relieved to have an explanation when we found out our beautiful boy has albinism. How sad is that? I get relief from my son having a “problem” because it cures my need to justify myself.

My thoughts once having been “Everyone is judging me” have turned into the cold hard fact that “I am judging myself and trying to redeem myself”.

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 3:23-24

“Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all men.” Romans 5:18

There’s truth right there. None of Satan’s lies. I don’t need to justify myself, HE already has. I don’t need to prove myself, HE is my only way out of here. I don’t need to feel condemned, HE is my salvation. I am not a child who is always being punished, I am a child dearly loved by Christ.

Lord Jesus, you are my father. I do not want to play the victim. I do not want to or need to earn my salvation. Thank you for saving me, thank you for your grace. Please help me to find rest in the fact that I don’t need people’s approval. You are all I need. Amen

Why am I blogging?

I suppose I better write about why I am doing a blog. It seems to be customary and I'm trying to be a good girl and follow the rules (perhaps shortly I will write a rule book on blogging) anyhow - onto my reasoning.

It's not that I think that my life is particularly interesting (I suppose it is to me) and it's not like I'm particularly good at a whole lot of things (I have my unique share of talents and then I have my un-talents). I guess what I'm saying is, I won't be blogging about my awesomeness - so you all won't be overwhelmed by my know-it all abilities or how awesome and amazing my children are (they are, but I'm not going to tell you that).

I'm blogging to share my life and my thoughts. The life aspect of it for me is maybe a way for me to keep a pretty picture in my head of the fun things that are going on in my life. It's a way for me to reflect on good things that have happened when life gets rough. It's easier for me to reflect when things are pretty - and journal writing is not pretty (have you seen my handwriting?).

As for the thoughts aspect: I think really I just feel like life is so busy sometimes that I can't get all of my thoughts out there - like they are swimming around in my head but I find no real direction for them. I could of course journal these too, but again there is the handwriting issue, and the fact that I've laid my thoughts out but I don't have anyone to respond to them, or give them insight, or share experience with. Sometimes it's easier to blog about it and then have someone say "Hey, I was there" or "I was thinking this...". It's nice to relate to people and to not feel alone.

With friends that are grown up, moved away, making babies, and me doing the same I don't always have time to talk to everyone that I love and cherish so much. So I am going to blog a bit and share things I find encouraging, discouraging, insightful & curious and the like and then I'm hoping to get input from all my amazing friends.

By the way - I think blog is a strange word. It's kind of like "blob" so it's hard for me to type it (side bar on y part, sorry). Also, for those who don't know me well and are reading my blog: I'm a bit sarcastic and silly - you will learn that more as I continue this adventure!

Why is his hair blonde?

Orion and I have had quite a few visits to the Opthomologist recently because of a horizontal twitching in his eyes. That horizontal twitching was to me a sign that he was just curious and active, but to the doctors it was something else. Today Orion and I went to Kirkland to see "the best pediatric opthomologist around" and that was true to form - he was wonderful.

Diagnosis: My baby boy has Congenital Nystigmus.Congenital Nystigmus is: "Slow and fast movements from side to side that have been present since birth". What does that mean for our sweet boy? It means that he will likely need to wear glasses as he gets older because his vision won't be as strong as other peoples. He does have the ability to stop his eyes from twitching when he looks to the right (that is called his null point). Other than that he will live a healthy and very normal life. But now for the more interesting question: Why does he have nystigmus?

Nystigmus can happen for all sorts of reasons but for Orion he has Nystigmus because he has albinism. In other terms - my son is Albino. Wow! Never expected that did you? Yup, baby O has blonde hair because he has albinism - an inherited and recessive gene that both the mother and father need to have in order to have a child with albinism. 1 in 17,000 people have albinism. Now, what does that mean for my baby boy? Well again, he will live a perfectly healthy life and that is great news to this momma. He will have to wear glasses eventually (their are holes in the pigmentation of his eyes), and he will need to keep his skin protected (no tans for my boy), and he will have beautiful, wonderful (and explainable) blonde hair.

Will and I are handling everything well (they kind of gave us some warnings as to what it could be last week). If you'd like to read more about Albinism you can go to http://www.albinism.org/ and they have some great info on the site. Please keep us in your prayers as we discover more about our baby O.