I've got Idols & I'm chasing them!!!

I'm in redemption groups at church. For those of you who don't exactly know what that is it is an 8 week class where people who are jacked up (so everyone) can attend teaching and classes to learn about Gods redemption - his SAVING us - and how we fit into HIS story. We walk through our messy lives & discuss what has happened and is happening and why and how God uses it for HIS glory. It's all pretty intimidating stuff - but this past week has been especially eye opening for me.

The question this past week was: Where do you put your hope?

There was a long list of options we are all such unique sinners and we find our "salvation" in so many things. Some of the checklist options were: accountability, works, service, & morbid introspection. That's mine: MORBID INTROSPECTION. But I've never heard of it before now.

You see, for a long time I've just felt DIFFERENT. I felt different because of my childhood, because of my sin, because of how I talk, or what I look like. I have never felt normal or equal in comparison to everyone else. I've often created a checklist of things that have separated me from people: bad childhood, poverty, children at an early age, divorce, chubbiness, stretchmarks, smoking, drinking, cussing, yelling, selfishness all of my many MANY many sins & faults that make me imperfect. I've also kept a checklist of sins I know longer commit: don't smoke, don't do drugs, barely yell anymore. I'm doing good now right?

I've always had this special ability to see my sin and correct it. I've always had the ability to understand my heart, I've always been able to repent of how bad of a person I am all of the time. I've always been very repentant in my heart. It's been my way of saving myself, of ensuring that God will save me. I'm crying out saying "God I know my sin, I'm humble, I can admit EVERY fault I have." In fact, I get irritated when people can't see their sin. "Sheesh, these people really need to get to know themselves better" I've thought.

AND THEN ... I read Chapter 7 of my Redemption book. MORBID INTROSPECTION. The story of Brook stood out to me over and over again in the Chapter. "I am a sinner, I am unworthy, I need to fix this first." It's been in vain, and it's been false humility. The reality is that YES I am a sinner, and yes I am unworthy and YES something needs to be fixed: MY HEART.

I have been so focused on fixing myself and evaluating myself and probing myself and ridiculing myself and excluding myself that I have forgotten THE CROSS. I am a Christian, but it is really difficult for me to understand the depth of Gods love for me. I believe that I am only barely saved, but I AM SAVED. 100% SAVED.

This view of myself has caused me to heroically chase my idols and fight them off. "I had this sin, then I fixed it. Then I had THIS sin, and I fixed it." There's no salvation in that, there's no grace in that, there is no GOD in that. So of course, I don't understand His love for me. I have prevented people from seeing Gods grace by being so ashamed of my own sin that I can't share what he's done apart from me.

I am sitting in this right now. I am dwelling on it. I am being "morbidally introspective" of it - which I'm not supposed to be doing - and I am trying to figure out how to FIX it. Oh how easy it is to wrap ourselves in our idols and call them good. Right now I'm asking for everyone's prayers. That GOD will overwhelm my heart & that I will rest in his goodness and delight in his mercy. I think I'm starting to understand God's love. It is an amazing thing that I don't want to miss by being some who is prideful (I can fix it) disguised as humble (I'm not worthy).

Love you all & God is good.