Confidence & Condemnation

Lately I have been reading a book called “A Confident Heart” by Renee Swope. For me it’s heavy reading. It’s a book I’ve needed to read for a long time, and it’s been good, really good.

And I want to write about it – about my lack of confidence, about why it’s present in me. I started writing and sorting through my feelings and in the end I just felt overwhelmed and like I was trying to justify myself. I knew something in my heart was not right. I want to blame my lack of confidence on people “judging me” and God showed me my sin in that.

My sin: I try to justify myself. I’ve always tried to justify myself. I try to justify myself even when I don’t need to! Even when I am doing good things; things that are in line with Gods plan for my life. I still feel like if I’m not doing what everyone else is doing I need to explain why.

Justify: a : to prove or show to be just, right, or reasonable

I had to really pray about this. I think it’s something I’ve been doing my whole life. Ever since I was a very young child I was the “scapegoat” of many family problems. I spent the majority of my childhood being accused of doing something wrong when I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I spent a lot of time explaining myself and/or asking for forgiveness for things I hadn’t done wrong in order to avoid trouble I was sure to get in anyways.

Eventually as I got older I just determined I was a failure. It didn’t matter what I did: I was always going to be “wrong”. So I decided I would continue to do things wrong because it was more freeing to be in trouble for actually doing something wrong than to be accused of not doing something wrong.

When I became a Christian I attempted to “redeem myself” by doing the right things, but I still ended up doing the wrong things (proving myself to be human and in need of grace). I still end up feeling the need to justify my actions and the cycle has never ended.

Example: For the past six months I’ve spent my time trying to explain why my child’s hair is blonde to everyone who says “Wow, his hair sure is blonde.” I felt accused. I felt ashamed. Who knows what people were meaning, or whether or not they knew how I was feeling. I was relieved to have an explanation when we found out our beautiful boy has albinism. How sad is that? I get relief from my son having a “problem” because it cures my need to justify myself.

My thoughts once having been “Everyone is judging me” have turned into the cold hard fact that “I am judging myself and trying to redeem myself”.

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 3:23-24

“Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all men.” Romans 5:18

There’s truth right there. None of Satan’s lies. I don’t need to justify myself, HE already has. I don’t need to prove myself, HE is my only way out of here. I don’t need to feel condemned, HE is my salvation. I am not a child who is always being punished, I am a child dearly loved by Christ.

Lord Jesus, you are my father. I do not want to play the victim. I do not want to or need to earn my salvation. Thank you for saving me, thank you for your grace. Please help me to find rest in the fact that I don’t need people’s approval. You are all I need. Amen